My Sun

by megdekorne

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I sat watching on the sheepskin rug , watching as the desert invaded the room , invading my body becoming like the hollows of the rotating earth . I am tired . The houses gaze at each other with beige pueblo faces . I watch the wide sky , the soft ending lavender of it all . I was once married to a Christian , and once to an artist dead now , and once to a carpenter.

What is that boy doing pulling a skull along the street with a string ? Watching , there appears a light of pale pink from the moon so far away . And in that blush glow I hear my youngest son say , ” I sometimes miss my father “. How do you explain God to his own son ? It’s too much for me . I look down at my drooping breasts , the dark purple nipples he once suckled and the scent of crushed juniper berries passes into my memory , a memory of his father , his fathers paint and ink stained clothes , the very look of him , his gentleness  , his father and I walking , walking as he takes the garden shears , clearing a way thru the woods , showing me the birds , the wildflowers , the sun . He hums a song by Jim Morrison , it was to be the last song I ever heard him sing . There was that place of his contentment surrounding his studio , a place now faceless , that place I cry about . It’s been twenty two years . He held my hand so tight before he left and I wanted to lay down on the ground and smell the mud in my nose . You were only five years old sleeping with batman on the wall over your bed .

I sat watching from a room in Santa Fe  , watching the night invade my life . I am tired . Your older brother hung himself on a stove pipe a year later , his body growing plump and rotten like palm wine before anyone found him alone in Brooklyn , alone on the Road of Perpetual Tears .

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In honor of Edward “Ted” Dickerson

June 1932 – February 1994

photos by Denise Thomasin Photography

40 thoughts on “My Sun”

  2. Wow mom!!! More about this man from 22 years ago. I miss him, he is a part of me too! What a beautiful man he was to you and to us and now we have his little one that he was so proud of.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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    • His true nature was so full of love even the times when he was misunderstood wasn’t it honey ? He was always there for us and took delight in all the antics going on in the house with all six of you even when you thought he was being too grumpy ….thank you for writing here on my blog ( your first time ) …its so dear of you ….love , your mama

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  3. Meg, this is so beautiful. So sad and sweet and a lovely tribute to him and to life. 1994/1995 doesn’t seem like that long ago. I’m so sorry you lost him and your son. How did you get through it, both so close together? Your heart must be very full of love having broken so deeply. They break open, I think…not closed, these hearts.
    Love and Light
    Mary

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    • Dear Mary ….thank you for being here with your sweet compassion and love …it really matters to me and how you express the breaking open of our hearts is utterly true and beautifully written . I feel you close by and I am deeply grateful ….love , megxxx

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  5. A tribute both heartbreaking and heart-warming. You have been through so much, deerest Meg, and yet you have not been made ugly by it all. Your resilience has only deepened your beauty. Do I recognize Lake of the Clouds in the photos?

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    • My very deer friend , It does look like Lake of the Clouds but it is not …its the straits of San Juan from the upper point on Orcas Island , Washington where my daughter Denise lives ( her photos I often use ) …Julie , I’ve left our beloved Michigan and am living in Santa Fe for 5 months …I’ve been here for only a week and the sky so vast makes me cry all the time and I am stunned by the landscape so opposite from northern Michigan .
      Your comments are always so special to me , but especially this one , thank you Julie , from my open heart …love and hugs , megxxx

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    • Dear J . F. …your kind and heartfelt comment touches me , I am beginning to feel just what you express about the landscape of New Mexico and your gift of peace embraces my spirit . I am new to your site and I notice you live in Washington so we are connected through places as I’m often on Orcas Island where my daughter lives and where these photos were taken …I am grateful to have met such a beautiful person and writer today …love , megxxx

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      • Thank you, Meg, for your reply. I have been reading your blog for some time now, and always find it moving.
        Your photography is beautiful, too.

        It seems churlish, but I need to point out that our Washingtons are unrelated. Mine is a tiny island on the straits of Lake Michigan known as “Death’s Door” for all the shipwrecks that have happened there.

        The dryness of the desert was not for me. I like to visit, but water is what draws me.

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  7. Dear sweet Meg,
    My tears surface as I read about this period, in your life, of which I was unaware. Clearly adversity has made you stronger. I feel blessed to have reconnected after so many years. You are humble, very talented, and beautiful in body, mind and spirit…..<3 I always enjoy your writing and hope there is a book coming.

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    • Dear beautiful Pam …I too feel so blessed that our paths have come together again in this life …thank you so much for reading and being able to feel the soul of my written voice , I would like to give thanks to the Divine who moves in such mysterious ways and pours words into my thoughts to write …I know you understand as I see the Divine force in the flow of your pottery too …blessings and love dear Pam , love , megxxx

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  8. Dear, dear Meg, Such power with so few words. I had no idea you had such heartache and heartbreak in your life. I know you love deeply so how could it be otherwise. My heart goes out to you with your unspeakable pain. And yet you have gone on majestically like a phoenix from the ashes. I admire your courage more than you can possibly know and I send you a great big hug and love, Ellen

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  9. Meg, I wonder how it can be difficult to live with these memories. I can imagine (not entirely, of course, but at least a little) because my brothers died at age 30. And it caused my mother a great sadness (she tries to disguise, but I know she still suffers). Besides my father died too early at age 59. My mom really misses a lot talking to him. Me too. At first I thought I could not live without him. But I had a child to raise … and I have lived the best I could today.
    I think you had a lot of power to live with the loss. I admire that.

    I once read a novel something that impressed me. A woman lost a husband who was his companion of joys and all the time. After some time she thought: “all that was good for us becomes part of us.” And the person who we miss created in us a change that we take for the rest of your life. It seems simple, but I think this is well thought out.

    All the best for you,
    Tânia.

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  13. Hi Meg,

    Thank you for sharing such beauty with us, as you do. All your writing I’ve read to date seems to be the preface to this one, and I find here a resonance in which so many of the previous meanings and portents settle into place. I really liked what Mary said about your heart breaking open, the fullness of which is apparent to us all. To meet loss with love is a courageous and healing act. I feel blessed to be witness to the encore! Your light shines so brightly…!

    Love
    Michael

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    • Michael …I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to revisit this post and reply to the deep pleasure in my heart of your dear response …I did feel a settling after the bringing forth of it from somewhere I don’t really have much control over …I just hear whispers and try to write those words …its those whispers that come from the light I think …thankyou for always accepting that radiance of the Divine in life ,it’s why I write and for saying something that matters so much to me ( I’m having a difficult time writing anything after this post ) …love , megxxx

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  19. Tears Meg, as I read the loves and losses of your life.. The words I could write will never do justice to the love and pain you have been through..
    I once told you I think how Wonderfully creative, and also courageous you have always appeared to me within all that you write about..
    Your heart is open and I often feel its raw hurts and wounds, its joys and delights as you bring such emotional images within each of your passages you write..

    I know your beloved still holds your hand, and watches by your shoulder, as your breathe in your sleep, He no doubt catches your tears before they fall.. And your Son walks beside a Father seeing the gifts he brought that broke him in Brooklyn ..

    Know dearest Meg, you are never alone.. Never.

    Love and Warm hugs are sent to hold you tight..
    Love Sue ❤

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  20. `Watching , there appears a light of pale pink from the moon so far away . And in that blush glow I hear my youngest son say , ” I sometimes miss my father “. How do you explain God to his own son ? It’s too much for me´…

    Such a moving and poignant post, dear Meg…
    I guess there are things we just can´t explain… but to avoid feeling dejected the best thing we can do is to keep the best memories of the ones we have lost… Remembering is a good tribute and a way to immortalize them…
    Sending hugs and best wishes… thank you. Aquileana ⭐️

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  21. I missed this before. A tremendous one. Heartbreak and resilience all at once. Your empathy and soul’s beauty only got stronger and I commend you for that chosen path. May your spirit only know bliss going forward

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